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April 15, 2014

Spider-Man has trashed bad guys and saved little old ladies, but what would YOU do with his powers? That’s the question we asked last week, and our readers responded. Seems like some of you are wall-crawlers in the making, while others would rather spin a web of deceit!

Jack H., Brooklyn

To be honest, if I had Spider-Man’s powers I probably would use them as a great way to get some personal experience; (which I need for my college applications). I would swing around town and try to have a meaningful moment or something, I don’t know, that’s what colleges want, right? That’s what my Dad says. If I really had Spidey’s powers I would do a year abroad, probably in a place with a dope jungle. Sigh…one day maybe.

Think you know everything there is to know about New York’s most controversial arachnid?

April 10, 2014

By Eddie Brock

The greater New York tri-state area got a whole lot safer yesterday.  Captured late last night, Cletus Kasady, escaped serial killer and notorious redhead, was eerily calm and subdued when he eagerly surrendered to the FBI. The manhunt for the FBI’s Most Wanted felon ended innocuously in a small strip mall outside of New Rochelle, New York.

A barista at a local coffee shop recognized Kasady and eventually called the police.  The barista apologized to reporters later admitting she didn’t immediately alert authorities hoping Spider-Man would beat them to the scene.  “What can I say?  I am a HUGE fan.”

Kasady had been sentenced to twelve life sentences for the twelve murders he committed — but escaped while being transported between federal prisons. Sources say Kasady has been remanded to Ravencroft Institute for further interrogation until he is relocated to a maximum security federal prison. While the barista didn’t get her wish, we know Spider-Man thanks her… as we all do. For now it appears that Kasady won’t be causing any more carnage.

April 9, 2014

By Ned Leeds

Frederick Foswell, the former Daily Bugle reporter unmasked as underworld boss “The Big Man” was found murdered yesterday in Ryker’s Island penitentiary. Correctional Authority officials stated that Foswell’s body was found in a storage closet adjacent to the commissary where he had been working.

Authorities refused to speculate on the cause of death but sources say it was severe blunt force trauma to the head. “Only a couple of prisoners have the strength to do that kind of damage,” an anonymous source said, “but they have alibis, or at least enough people willing to provide them alibis, that I don’t think we’ll ever know who killed Foswell.”

Detectives of the Major Crimes Unit stated on condition of anonymity that they were not surprised in the least that Foswell met a quick and grisly end,hinting that you don’t get to be “The Big Man” because people love you.

Police and New York City prosecutors expressed outrage with the state of security at Ryker’s, as Foswell had promised to reveal evidence of sweeping collusion between city workers and the criminal underworld pending a sweeter deal from the District Attorney’s office.

Ironically, Foswell’s plan to unite crime in New York by manipulating the organized crime families against each other is apparently being emulated by various power players in the criminal underground.

April 8, 2014

#GreatResponsibility 

By Melissa Hutchins

When Spider-Man isn’t swinging across town to stop a bank robbery, it seems he’s finding time to help a mom and her kids cross a busy intersection, celebrate Hattie Johnson’s 100th birthday party in the Bronx or fill in for the crane operators up on 86th. Apparently #GreatResponsibility doesn’t JUST mean fighting crime, anymore. Thanks Spider-Man, New York is lucky to have you!  

April 4, 2014

By Ken Ellis

In an unexpected setback, Oscorp Industries failed to secure a contract for the development of a flying suit with the United States military.  Sources say  the international conglomerate had been so confident of landing the contract they had already hired a congratulatory skywriting message over New York City that read: “Oscorp soars to success!”

Government sources hinted that the contract intended for military aerial reconnaissance and infiltration landed with a Los Angeles-based conglomerate with offices in Manhattan. Oscorp spokesman, Donald Menken, had no comment.

The losing bid repudiates two decades worth of research in electromagnetic anti-gravity conducted by Oscorp robotics division engineer, Dr. Adrian Toomes. When asked what this development meant for Toomes, Menken simply rolled his eyes and replied “Really? Why are you even asking me? No comment.”

April 2, 2014

By Ken Ellis

The masked vigilante Spider-Man has once again apprehended notorious bank-robber, Herman Schultz, nabbing the prison escapee yesterday afternoon during an attempted robbery at a diamond exchange in Midtown Manhattan.

Schultz managed to hold off the police for some time using his technologically advanced vibratory gauntlets that either emit dangerous pulse waves or have the unique singular power to throw cop cars hundreds of feet in the air (we’re guessing it’s the former).

After a brief skirmish that left several police vehicles heavily damaged, Spider-Man removed one of Schultz’s gauntlets and gave Schultz a taste of his own medicine, which in this case was a pulse wave right to the face.

Schultz had recently escaped from Ryker’s Island penitentiary where he was being held on bank robbery charges.  Detective Jean DeWolff of the Major Crimes Unit admitted the police thought Schultz had fled the city.

“The really sad thing about him is that he must be a brilliant engineer to create a weapon like this,” said DeWolff. “He could sell that technology and make billions, instead he chooses to rob a bank for what? A couple of grand? This guy is a stone cold dummy.”

April 1, 2014

By Melissa Hutchins

Ask and ye shall receive! Our fearless editor, J. Jonah Jameson, who recently called out Spider-Man for keeping mum and refusing to talk to the press, received quite a personal greeting this April Fool’s Day when he awoke to find his giant SUV covered in webbing! While it’s not confirmed that this is the work of Spider-Man or one of his many Spider-Fans, what is confirmed is that this… is hilarious!

March 31, 2014

By Melissa Hutchins

Spidey-Fans don their jerseys today, excited for this year’s opening day and the start of the baseball season. Of course, even in NYC there’s some debate over which team Spidey supports. Me? I like to think of him as a Mets fan. Always rooting for the underdog. Who are you root, root, rooting for this season?

March 28, 2014

An Editorial from Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson

Is social media a powerful tool to connect people around the world or is it home to a cyber-den of cyber-losers who spend their time spreading cyber-lies about a certain “hero” named Spider-Man…

So is Spider-Man a hero because some bearded Brooklyn hipster posted a cyber-video of him webbing up a mugger outside a coffee shop? Is he a hero because a misguided high school student starts a fan club on cyber-Twitter? Is he a hero because a “cyber-blogger” like Melissa Hutchins encourages fans to plaster stencils of the masked vigilante on crosswalk signs across Manhattan?

These days it seems like everyone is talking about Spider-Man, except for one person of course: Spider-Man himself, who refuses to talk to the press. The wall-crawling weirdo would probably say actions speak louder than words, but the longer Spider-Man doesn’t talk, the longer he ignores legitimate questions about how his actions have frustrated on-going police investigations. How he has used excessive force in foiling minor crimes. How his web swinging has distracted city drivers and led to a documented twenty-four accidents (and counting).

Has Spider-Man stopped a mugger, a carjacker, or a bank robber here and there? Yeah, okay, I’ll admit he has. But can Spider-Man answer this: do those actions offset all the problems he’s created? Even if he could, I doubt he will.

March 26, 2014

We asked our readers how they thought Spider-Man got his powers. You answered by email, text, blog, and even a brick through the window (please refrain from that in the future). Here’s what you had to say:

Kevin B., St. George

“It’s gotta be something weird, right? Like he ate a bucket of spiders or injected himself with the blood of like a bucket of spiders. Wait, maybe like he went swimming in the East River? LOL! But for real, you seen the stuff that Oscorp dumps into the East River? The other day, my uncle Mikey caught a fish with four eyes and two tails! Oscorp’s got mad scientists flushing botched experiments into the river. Seriously, man. No joke.”

Think YOU know how Spider-Man got his powers? Supernatural? Scientific? Special fx?