An Editorial from Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson
Before Spider-Man appeared, had a Lizard creature run amok on our city streets?
Before Spider-Man appeared, did our city know the presence of a gangster wearing a mask and calling himself “The Big Man”?
Before Spider-Man appeared, was there Herman Schultz, a bank robber using homemade weapons to create vibrational waves that could shatter three-foot thick steel bank vault doors?
Before Spider-Man appeared, criminals didn’t feel the need to keep pace by joining forces and growing mobs at a record pace, like Aleksei Sytsevich’s gang.
Before Spider-Man appeared, did we hear all of the rumors of Oscorp developing terrifying creations fit to stop creatures the likes of the wallcrawler?
The mystery and mystique that Spider-Man cultivates has led the criminal element to respond in kind, indulging in secret identities, colorful costumes and worst of all: catch phrases.
Where does this end? It is my prediction that in the coming weeks we will face an onslaught of villainous activity. Residents should remain calm and be prepared for the worst — power outages, mass destruction, possible chemical warfare…
Is Spider-Man responsible for the very creation of the enhanced criminals that have emerged across the city or is his existence the only hope to stop their increasingly destructive spree? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The answer is: the Spider.
A grant from Oscorp Industries Life Sciences Division will provide the resources needed to maintain necessary staffing in the nursing departments of several New York City hospitals. With budgets strapped, administrators were worried they’d lack the ability to provide adequate care to patients.
The Oscorp grant will not only allow the nursing departments to maintain their current staff, it will also supply hospitals with extensive robotic medical equipment upgrades, some of which are still in the experimental phase. Of course, if experience has taught us anything, it’s that experimental robotics projects never ever go horribly, horribly wrong.
In an official statement, Oscorp spokesman, Donald Menken added, “Nurses are the front line in our city’s healthcare and Oscorp couldn’t be more appreciative of the work they do. That’s why we want to give them the best tools possible.”
When asked about the improved equipment for nurses in city hospitals, nurse May Parker said, “It’s great to see more opportunities for younger nurses and it’s also an amazing gift to the people of New York City. I’m excited to learn how to use these new machines, even if they do look a little scary.”
It remains to be seen just how impactful these new experimental robotics will be when it comes to saving lives. One can’t help but wonder, will Spider-Man even get a little jealous?
Spider-Man has trashed bad guys and saved little old ladies, but what would YOU do with his powers? That’s the question we asked last week, and our readers responded. Seems like some of you are wall-crawlers in the making, while others would rather spin a web of deceit!
Jack H., Brooklyn
To be honest, if I had Spider-Man’s powers I probably would use them as a great way to get some personal experience; (which I need for my college applications). I would swing around town and try to have a meaningful moment or something, I don’t know, that’s what colleges want, right? That’s what my Dad says. If I really had Spidey’s powers I would do a year abroad, probably in a place with a dope jungle. Sigh…one day maybe.
Think you know everything there is to know about New York’s most controversial arachnid?
The greater New York tri-state area got a whole lot safer yesterday. Captured late last night, Cletus Kasady, escaped serial killer and notorious redhead, was eerily calm and subdued when he eagerly surrendered to the FBI. The manhunt for the FBI’s Most Wanted felon ended innocuously in a small strip mall outside of New Rochelle, New York.
A barista at a local coffee shop recognized Kasady and eventually called the police. The barista apologized to reporters later admitting she didn’t immediately alert authorities hoping Spider-Man would beat them to the scene. “What can I say? I am a HUGE fan.”
Kasady had been sentenced to twelve life sentences for the twelve murders he committed — but escaped while being transported between federal prisons. Sources say Kasady has been remanded to Ravencroft Institute for further interrogation until he is relocated to a maximum security federal prison. While the barista didn’t get her wish, we know Spider-Man thanks her… as we all do. For now it appears that Kasady won’t be causing any more carnage.
Frederick Foswell, the former Daily Bugle reporter unmasked as underworld boss “The Big Man” was found murdered yesterday in Ryker’s Island penitentiary. Correctional Authority officials stated that Foswell’s body was found in a storage closet adjacent to the commissary where he had been working.
Authorities refused to speculate on the cause of death but sources say it was severe blunt force trauma to the head. “Only a couple of prisoners have the strength to do that kind of damage,” an anonymous source said, “but they have alibis, or at least enough people willing to provide them alibis, that I don’t think we’ll ever know who killed Foswell.”
Detectives of the Major Crimes Unit stated on condition of anonymity that they were not surprised in the least that Foswell met a quick and grisly end,hinting that you don’t get to be “The Big Man” because people love you.
Police and New York City prosecutors expressed outrage with the state of security at Ryker’s, as Foswell had promised to reveal evidence of sweeping collusion between city workers and the criminal underworld pending a sweeter deal from the District Attorney’s office.
Ironically, Foswell’s plan to unite crime in New York by manipulating the organized crime families against each other is apparently being emulated by various power players in the criminal underground.
When Spider-Man isn’t swinging across town to stop a bank robbery, it seems he’s finding time to help a mom and her kids cross a busy intersection, celebrate Hattie Johnson’s 100th birthday party in the Bronx or fill in for the crane operators up on 86th. Apparently #GreatResponsibility doesn’t JUST mean fighting crime, anymore. Thanks Spider-Man, New York is lucky to have you!
In an unexpected setback, Oscorp Industries failed to secure a contract for the development of a flying suit with the United States military. Sources say the international conglomerate had been so confident of landing the contract they had already hired a congratulatory skywriting message over New York City that read: “Oscorp soars to success!”
Government sources hinted that the contract intended for military aerial reconnaissance and infiltration landed with a Los Angeles-based conglomerate with offices in Manhattan. Oscorp spokesman, Donald Menken, had no comment.
The losing bid repudiates two decades worth of research in electromagnetic anti-gravity conducted by Oscorp robotics division engineer, Dr. Adrian Toomes. When asked what this development meant for Toomes, Menken simply rolled his eyes and replied “Really? Why are you even asking me? No comment.”
The masked vigilante Spider-Man has once again apprehended notorious bank-robber, Herman Schultz, nabbing the prison escapee yesterday afternoon during an attempted robbery at a diamond exchange in Midtown Manhattan.
Schultz managed to hold off the police for some time using his technologically advanced vibratory gauntlets that either emit dangerous pulse waves or have the unique singular power to throw cop cars hundreds of feet in the air (we’re guessing it’s the former).
After a brief skirmish that left several police vehicles heavily damaged, Spider-Man removed one of Schultz’s gauntlets and gave Schultz a taste of his own medicine, which in this case was a pulse wave right to the face.
Schultz had recently escaped from Ryker’s Island penitentiary where he was being held on bank robbery charges. Detective Jean DeWolff of the Major Crimes Unit admitted the police thought Schultz had fled the city.
“The really sad thing about him is that he must be a brilliant engineer to create a weapon like this,” said DeWolff. “He could sell that technology and make billions, instead he chooses to rob a bank for what? A couple of grand? This guy is a stone cold dummy.”
Ask and ye shall receive! Our fearless editor, J. Jonah Jameson, who recently called out Spider-Man for keeping mum and refusing to talk to the press, received quite a personal greeting this April Fool’s Day when he awoke to find his giant SUV covered in webbing! While it’s not confirmed that this is the work of Spider-Man or one of his many Spider-Fans, what is confirmed is that this… is hilarious!
Spidey-Fans don their jerseys today, excited for this year’s opening day and the start of the baseball season. Of course, even in NYC there’s some debate over which team Spidey supports. Me? I like to think of him as a Mets fan. Always rooting for the underdog. Who are you root, root, rooting for this season?